You Always Know

Standard

I was 90% sure going into today that the outcome would be what it was. When I was going to bed last night, I had the striking thought that I knew deep down I was going in today to schedule a D&C. After so many pregnancies, you get to know your body and how it feels. You get to recognize the changes and alterations and you also know when those are feeling less pregnant. I knew. I couldn’t accept it until I had a certain answer – until I had seen it. But I did know deep down.

Which is maybe why today isn’t as hard as it could have been. I’ve been grieving for weeks already. Today just confirmed all of that grief had a place in my life. I’m not starting right now experiencing the loss.

We have a plan for going forward. I’ll have a recurrent pregnancy loss work-up a few weeks after the D&C. Barring any significant negative results from those tests, we will keep trying. But we will likely try IVF this time. They can do preimplantation genetic diagnosis to make sure any embryos that go in do not have chromosomal abnormalities. Which is likely the root of my miscarriages, so if we know going in they are genetically ok, then we are light years ahead of where we have been.

It was hurry up and wait to see if you are pregnant. Then it was hurry up and wait to see if it was viable. Now we have to wait for the D&C. Tehn we have to wait for the testing, then we have to wait some more to get future cycles started. If my estimates are correct, it could be mid-August before we get another try.

The waiting kills me.

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