Fucking Hope.

Standard

Just got the results from Friday’s HCG blood test. Not good. We were looking for a number in the 600s and it was 457. Fuck. I wish I had known this on Friday. I started getting optimistic over the weekend. If I had known this on Friday, I would have NEVER let myself start to get optimistic. But, I’m not bleeding or cramping and I have a number of pregnancy related symptoms – so without the blood test saying things are screwed – I let hope get the better of me.

Fucking hope.

I have another blood draw tomorrow to see what the HCG has done since Friday. But, really, is it possible to be good at this point? It was doubling in 55-57 hours initially. By Friday it slowed to doubling in 85ish hours. It’s not good. If it’s going to miscarry, why the hell can’t it just do it and get it over with so I can move on with life? I can’t imagine tomorrow’s results will be any good news at all.

Last year I had my miscarriage on Mother’s Day so to some extent Mother’s Day will be tinged with sadness for the rest of my life. Maybe THIS year, I’ll have a miscarriage on my birthday, so that can be ruined for me forever, too.

I hate this. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

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