Starting Again


I have about 4 more days of birth control pills and then we will be TTC again. I am terrified. Every other time the fear has been that we would try and try and try and not get pregnant. And I still have that fear. But added to that is the very real fear that we will get pregnant and we’ll lose it. I don’t have a shred of excitement left in me about the process. It’s grueling, tedious, emotional, and now with an extra level of worry. Yet, we will continue.

I have been doing fantastic with weight loss. I’ve lost 15 pounds since the miscarriage – which I found out about 31 days ago. So, 15 pounds in basically a month. And my blood sugars have stabilized tremendously in this amount of time as well. That’s all very good. On April 15 of last year, I was about 3.5 pounds lighter than I am now, which was the lightest I have been since like 2003. IF I kept this pace up, which may or may not be possible, I could be close to my 2003 weight by mid-April. This is a really aggressive pace though. I’m counting calories, watching carbs, being vigilant about the timing of when I eat, making sure I am getting enough protein, folic acid, and exercising in every spare minute I can come up with. It’s a very vigilant process. On the flip side, it gives me something healthy to focus on and I am seeing positive results, so that helps.

And the thing about losing weight is that my reproductive system starts to work better when I lose weight. I’m on birth control pills now and I’ll start taking hormones when we are TTC again, but if my own parts are inclined to cooperate and not be obstinate, this will all be easier. I hope.

I got pregnant last year in April, on our first try, at 3.5 pounds lighter than I am now. I miscarried early, but I got pregnant. That’s step one. You have to succeed in step one for step 2, not miscarrying, to come into play. And I am doing everything humanly possible to make sure my body is as healthy, non-toxic, and whole as it can be for when I get pregnant again. That is to facilitate step 2.

Emotionally, I think I am doing better than expected at this point. I attribute that to several factors. One being my own willingness to try to deal with this in emotionally healthy ways. Another being the tremendous outpouring of love and support I have had from friends. Another being my wife, who had her moments in the beginning, but turned into the supportive partner I needed her to be. Another being how busy I have been at work and my trip to DC. Lots of things came into play and helped me work through what I hope was the worst of it.

I still have my moments, to be sure. And I generally feel like a different person in some ways – like this has changed a part of me permanently. But maybe with more time, that will be better, too. Maybe not. Right now I am just grateful for being in a better place physically and emotionally than I could have ever predicted a month ago.

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