Life Doesn’t Go the Way You Planned It

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I’m trying to keep my stress levels down. I’m losing weight. I’m trying to feel like I am in control of something. Whether I am or not is a different question, but I am at least trying.

One of my major stressors is the fact that I never wanted my children to be this far apart in age. I feel so strongly about it that I have seriously considered not trying again to get pregnant. Which also stresses me out significantly. I mean, it tears me up to think about it. So, I am trying to reconcile the age difference with what I want in my family because the thought of not having another kid truly makes me heartbroken. And it also makes me heartbroken that is 100% impossible for my family to ever be how I wanted it to be. It just makes me terribly sad that my kids will be so far apart in age. Will they ever be close? I cry just thinking about it.

But, I am trying to make peace with it. I have 2 choices here. Keep trying to have another kid and cope with the fact that my family will not be exactly what I wanted, but it will be closer. Or, stop trying and be content with things the way they are.

I have to cope and adjust my expectations of how my kids will relate to each other. It’s not easy for me. I struggle with it every single day. But, I am working on it. I need to get more at peace with this issue before it’s time to start trying to get pregnant again.

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2 responses »

  1. I don’t have this exact problem, but I can totally relate to the feeling that life is not going to be the way you planned. I know that once the next baby comes, you will adapt to have two children five or so years apart. There are pros and cons to every age difference, and hopefully you can appreciate the pros to help relieve the pain of knowing they won’t be as close in years as you had planned.

  2. Stacy – I still struggle with this a lot. I just tell myself to let it go, I can’t change it. But I have, on occasion, in conjunction with all of the emotional wreckage the comes with this journey and the hormone cocktails, considered cancelling all of the IVFs, not doing transfers and just picking up my life and going on. None of this is what I ever imagined – having kids so far apart one will be in college before the other even starts high school….paying for preschool for 10 YEARS. 10 years of preschool bills! Kids who can’t really relate to each other as true peers.

    But, those thoughts always end with me knowing that yes, I could stop now and learn to live with what we have, and eventually be content and happy. But I will always regret not seeing this through to the end and knowing I did everything in my power to have that other baby.

    So, on we go and I just have to keep telling myself that this is not a matter of control – only acceptance. This is what it is. And it’s not bad, just different.

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