Lost Again

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I’ve lost another baby.  Well, it’s not out of me yet, but there’s no heartbeat anymore.  I went for a routine ultrasound on Tuesday and there was no heartbeat.  I went again on Thursday and although they have not called me with the results yet, i could see clearly that there was no heartbeat.  It’s not miscarrying on its own, so I will schedule a D&C for this week.  I am irritated – I want this over.  I can’t start to move on mentally until my life is actually moving on.  Just sitting here waiting isn’t helping anything.

No one knows about any of this.  I’ve kept the pregnancy, and now the miscarriage, secret.   Being the second miscarriage in 9 months, I am handling this even worse than I handled the last one.  Plus, I am a lot farther along this time than I was for the last one.

So much I want to say, but I don;t even have the energy to type it all out.  I thought I did when I started typing, but just this fast, it’s gone.

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