It’s Done


(Originally posted in LiveJournal)


I am still waiting for some bloodwork back, but I think the miscarriage is finally complete.  I did not have to have a D&C and it was not ectopic.  These are both good things.  It’s still shockingly painful and lonely to deal with.  And all I can do is just wait to hear from the doctor to know what my next steps are.  I was posting in my weight loss blog and I kind of surprised myself by what came out when I was writing in a less guarded style.  No one reads the weight loss blog (primarily because I haven’t really told anyone about it) so I guess I felt freer there.

So, now it’s just a question of how do I move forward – both emotionally and physically from this.  Hawaii helped, for sure.  But it didn’t cure – I suppose only time will be able to do that.  I am fighting a battle with depression that set in as this happened – my pills and shrink are effectively helping to deal with that, but it’s definitely a fight.  I am also fighting with emotional eating and weight issues resulting from this.

In all honesty, I just want to be pregnant.  That one is gone – it didn’t work out.  I accept that and am working to deal with it.  What is just so excruciating at the moment is not knowing what is next or when I can try again.  After the miscarriage was confirmed they told me I had to wait 2 weeks and have another blood draw, which I did Tuesday of this week.  When I tried to get them to talk to me about when I could try again, all they would tell me was “When your body is ready” which is not helpful to me.  And that’s still the only answer I have from them.  I am truly hoping that when the results from this week’s test are here, we can put a timeline on it.  It would really help me move past the loss to know when I could actually move forward.   I wonder how long it takes to get the results – the last several blood draws had results same day…it’s been 2 days of waiting this time and still no word.

In life, in general, I hate waiting.  This is even worse because I have so much emotion tied to it.

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