Over.

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I woke up with heavier bleeding than I have had yet. And it slowed down a little bit for a while, but now I am cramping and bleeding bright red pretty consistently…not super heavy, but heavy enough. I suppose if I just bleed it all out, I can avoid the trauma of a D&C. Which would be good – not only do I fear putting my body through that, but I am not sure how I would handle it emotionally.

I am waiting for the results of this morning’s blood test. I had been somewhat hopeful, but now I am not. Now I just want to make sure this is not ectopic. Which we won’t find out from a blood test – I’ll need an ultrasound to determine that. Nature is cruel to put women through this.

Someone said to me, “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.” I wanted to respond with “Fuck you.” But I did not. IF I believed in God, I would not believe that God wanted women to experience their babies dying inside of them. Period. God would not intentionally inflict this on anyone. Which further reinforces my atheism. Nature is nature and we all experience nature as it happens – in terms of evolution, physics, chemistry, etc.  Nature is not a compassionate overseer.  We are not a chosen species.   We just understand intellectually on a higher level what is happening in our worlds. The end. So, science and nature and the way things work are what caused this miscarriage. God did not kill my fetus….and if you would be inclined to believe in a God who WOULD orCOULD kill a fetus, perhaps you should rethink your religion.  So, I’ll thank you not to tell me about God knowing I could handle this before he gave it to me.

All I can do now is keep waiting and bleeding.

(Incidentally, I realize this post sounds somewhat opposed to my views on abortion.  Because I do believe a woman should have the right to choose whether she carries out a pregnancy or not.  But when a pregnancy is terminated, by no action or choice of the woman, it becomes a different scenario, with different feelings attached.)

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