Miscarriage

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(Originally posted in LiveJournal)

 

I never imagined that I would have a miscarriage. I don’t suppose anyone does. I also never had any idea how profound the pain could be from losing a child that isn’t alive yet, that isn’t viable outside of my body, that is there, but for all tangible purposes, only in concept. It’s incredible how this being that you cannot see, hear or even feel yet, can carve out a place in your life, your future, your emotions. And then you lose that child. You lose the concept. You physically go through the process of miscarriage, which can be traumatic on and of itself. But suddenly you have this hole in your life, your future, your emotions – this hole that was created and then filled by the idea of the child you were carrying. The child that was becoming a part of you already, a part of your life. And it’s gone.

And you are bleeding, physically. And then you realize you are bleeding emotionally, too. And I just keep wondering how so much can happen so quickly. In the span of 2 months, I was pregnant – my whole future changed and a new level of light and excitement and possibility entered my world – and then was gone. In 2 months.

And I feel like this is really morbid and gross, but I keep wondering – what was the exact moment that those cells came out of my body? What was the exact moment, that I didn’t know I was flushing away the cells that would have been my baby. The moment when there was no more hope, but I didn’t know, so I kept grasping for anything that might give me some small piece to hang onto.

We didn’t tell anyone we were trying to have another baby because it took so long last time and we didn’t want to have to answer questions about it as we went through the process. And now I am more glad than ever because I can’t look the world in the face and have them not knowing what to say, how to react, how to be around me. I don’t want the discomfort that comes from others not knowing how to express their grief for you, their sympathy.

It is a little hard though, to go through this, and be so profoundly impacted at every level of physical and mental being – without being able to talk to my friends. Without being able to share with them why I am so distant and so sad. That is hard.

This has me thinking about the many roles of women and the many things women must endure in life – that men will never experience. It’s an interesting thing to think about and when it’s not so raw and fresh, I may ponder this subject even more.

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